A Pause for Grieving

Emotional trigger alert: this post discusses themes of death and dying. I've paused my blog because my last living parent passed away recently. I'm taking a pause for grieving. This post shares what I've learned through my grieving process.

Grief is a complex emotion.

The grieving process takes different forms for different people. Grief is a complex emotion, made up of a variety of feelings. The combination of feelings that make up my grief are confusion, disbelief, anger and sadness. The dominant feeling and its intensity change daily.

I can tend to the administrative matters of the loss of a loved one.

Our family was well prepared to execute the administrative tasks associated with death. I am lucky that managing my loved one's affairs has been orderly and not stressful. Administrating their affairs provides me with the satisfaction of knowing that I’m doing what needs to be done. I'm able to emotionally detach from my loss when I'm engaged in administrative tasks.

I cannot emotionally prepare for the loss of a loved one.

I'm very fortunate that I had a good relationship with my loved one. We communicated expressions of love and appreciation for each other. I thanked them for everything they’d done for me. I was sure to spend plenty of quality time with them when they were alive. I knew they would not be around forever. This is why I am surprised that my grieving process has been so difficult. I thought I would be more emotionally ready for their departure. I felt that they had prepared me for adult life in a way that would make it easier for me to carry on without them. Now that they are gone, I realize how much I loved having them in my life.

Triggers for sadness come in all forms.

“It’s so curious; one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses.” – Colette

Even a date appearing in an email can be a trigger for my sadness. My 2021 calendar now has an abrupt dividing line in my mind. There are the 'before times' when my loved one was still healthy and the date after they checked into the hospital.

How my loved one's suffering affects my grieving process.

The way my parents passed is very different. My first parent passed away after many years of decreasing quality of life and suffering. I learned that when a loved one suffers for a long time before they die, my grief is softened with feelings of relief. I'm relieved for the ending of my loved one’s suffering and, perhaps selfishly, the hardship of caring for them. My recent parent's health decline was sudden. This was more difficult for me. It was good that they did not suffer for too long, but I found the grieving more challenging. There was little opportunity to emotionally prepare for their absence.

I'm taking a pause for grieving.

I'm working through my grief. I’m taking care of matters that need taking care of. I'm prioritizing self-care. I'm grateful that I'm not afraid of difficult emotions. I’m very fortunate to be receiving a lot of support during my grieving. My ask of you, my reader, is that... ... if you’ve met my loved one, grieve with me.

... if you’ve never met my loved one, and you know me personally, grieve

for me.

... if you’ve never met me or my loved one, kindly be patient while I grieve.