A Pause for Grieving

Emotional trigger alert: this post discusses themes of death and dying.

I’ve paused my blog because my last living parent passed away recently. This post shares what I’m learning through my grieving process.

Grief is a complex emotion.

The grieving process takes different forms for different people. Grief is a complex emotion, comprised of a variety of feelings. The combination of feelings that make up my grief are confusion, disbelief, anger and sadness. The dominant feeling and its intensity changes daily.

I can tend to the practical matters of the loss of a loved one by managing their affairs.

Our family was well prepared to execute the administrative tasks required when someone passes. I am lucky that managing my loved one’s affairs has been orderly and not stressful. Administrating their affairs provides me with the satisfaction of knowing that I’m doing what needs to be done. I’m able to emotionally detach from my loss while I’m engaged in these administrative tasks. For me, it’s the easiest form of grieving.

I cannot prepare emotionally for the loss of a loved one.

I’m very fortunate that the relationship I had with my loved one was in good order. We communicated expressions of appreciation and love for each other. I thanked them for everything they’d done for me. I was sure to spend plenty of quality time with them when they were alive. I was mindful that they would not be in my life forever.

This is why I am surprised that my grieving process has been so difficult. I thought I would be more emotionally ready for their departure. I felt that they had prepared me for adult life in a way that would make it easier for me to carry on without them. Now that they are gone, I realize how much I loved having them in my life.

Triggers for sadness come in all forms.

“It’s so curious; one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses.” – Colette

Even a date appearing in an email can be a trigger for my sadness. My 2021 calendar now has an abrupt distinction in my mind between the ‘before times’ when my loved one was still healthy and the date after they checked into the hospital.

My grieving process is inversely proportional to my loved one’s suffering.

The manner in which my two parents passed is very different. When my first parent passed away more than 13 years ago, their passing occurred after many years of decreasing quality of life and suffering. I learned that when a loved one suffers for a long time before they die, my grief is tempered with feelings of relief, both for the ending of my loved one’s suffering and, perhaps selfishly, the hardship of caring for them.

When my recent parent’s health decline was sudden, this was more difficult for me. While it was good that they did not suffer for too long, I found it more challenging because there was little opportunity to prepare emotionally for their absence.

I’m taking a pause for grieving.

I’m working through my grief. I’m taking care of matters that need taking care of. I’m prioritizing self-care. I’m grateful that I’m not afraid of difficult emotions. I’m very fortunate to be receiving a lot of support during my grieving.

My ask of you, my reader, is that…

… if you’ve met my loved one, grieve with me.
… if you’ve never met my loved one, and you know me personally, grieve for me.
… if you’ve never met me or my loved one, kindly be patient while I grieve.

Image by AtnoYdur (iStock)